This blog is to the people that have judged me for the way I've handled the news about getting diagnosed with cancer at the same time as my 7 year old son.
I want you to know that NO, I'm not in denial. I'm fully aware that I have cancer. That my child has cancer. That something is growing inside of me that if not treated will take my life. That my son's blood is trying to kill him. That we both have the biggest battles of our lives. He is halfway through his battle and I'm just beginning to start mine. I understand that I have many emotional and physical hurdles ahead of me for both my son and I. I have lived, breathed, been consumed by cancer for almost two years already. I know what happens when you have cancer and how tremendously scary it is and forever emotionally changes you.
However, I choose to LIVE. Life for today. Some people feel from the onset of diagnoses that cancer is a death sentence and that maybe, just maybe if you are lucky enough, you can escape it. Some people live like it is a death sentence. Sad. Depressed. Angry. NOT ME! Cancer has freed me. Cancer has made me live again. I was so consumed by my son's cancer and making sure that he had all the emotional support he needed to face his cancer like that champ he is, I forgot about me. I forgot to live just for me. I forgot to smile just for me. I forgot to laugh just for me.
These last few days have been amazing. As I get closer to starting my treatment, I've realized I haven't been happier. I've lived again. I've seen friends that I haven't seen in months. I've laughed until I've cried. I've realized that I am vibrant, beautiful 32 year old woman that has so much to offer this world and that if you look around you, there are reasons to smile.
I'm sure you have heard the expression "Life isn't about wait for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain", and that's exactly what I'm doing...dancing in the rain and it's the most exhilarating feeling.
You can only live today, there is no promise of tomorrow and you can't go back in time. For me, today, cancer has given me freedom.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
My Bye Bye Boobs Party
Why a Bye Bye Boobs Party?
12 days.... I have 12 days before my breasts are removed.
When I found out that I was going to have my breasts removed due to breast cancer I didn't know what to feel. I was numb with emotion. I'm going to become a breast-less woman was my only thought.
I have probably spent at least some kind of moment, everyday, since I stopped breastfeeding my last child 6 years ago criticizing my boobs in some way. They were no longer full and they sag. They didn't look right under clothes. They didn't look right without clothes. It was then I realized I officially had "Mom Boobs" and that my children had somehow sucked the fullest and perkiness away. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all over again to have those tender moments and memories with my babies. However, being told that they are getting removed, well.... all of a sudden I LOVED my misshaped slightly deflated boobs. I can't believe all these years I didn't LOVE them. It's true you don't know what you have till its gone.
The first thing everyone says is it "doesn't make you less of a woman to not have breast". My reaction to that was "YES it does!" If only people could see how much that comment upset me. I'm 32! I'm a mom, I'm single, I like v-neck shirts and strapless dresses.... I still need my boobs! Although I'm not very vein and I don't spend much time on hair and makeup, and not really sure about what two colors look good together, I do know that having breasts is part of what makes me feel like a woman and not having them is going to make me feel like less of one, or at least that is how I anticipate I'm going to feel.
My family doctor told me that I need to mourn my breasts. I needed to realize that they will no longer be apart of me, that they don't define me and that I need to mentally prepare to let them go. I just nodded and cried in his office as he gave me this advice not even sure how to start to stay goodbye to my girls.
So what does every logical and emotional sound women does when she is alone and upset about something medically? I googled....BIG MISTAKE! Google should be taken away from people like me. I was searching images of mastectomy. Before, during, after. How the procedure was done. How much it hurt. I learned about drainage tubes. I learned about scar tissues. I learned to much, but I couldn't stop myself. Then I was reading comments from other women on other blogs and how they cried and cried every day and could not function because of their news. How they didn't want to face the world. I was only making myself feel worse about losing my breasts. To be honest it only made me hate the idea of losing them more and disliking the physical person I was going to become in 12 days.
Now I was angry. I was angry at Cancer! Cancer controlled so much of our life already. It controlled what we could or couldn't do that week. If we could or couldn't go places. Some of the drugs controlled my son's temperament and his emotions. It controlled what we ate at times. It took my son's hair 3 times. It made my son gain weight. Lose weight. Have strength. Feel weak. Cancer determined if my kids could go to school because it would weakening my son's immune system to the point he couldn't fight off any germs. Cancer just takes and takes and now it is taking my breasts! The part of my body that defines me as a woman, mother, and sexual being.
I was talking with my friends about losing them and after the initials tears and I'm so sorry comments the mood became lighter about it. Jokes were made about taking pictures of them. Wearing low cut shirts and showing them off well you have them. We were just being silly and making light of the situation but it was making me smile and laugh. That's when it hit me. This is how I will mourn. I will have a bye bye boobs party. I'm going to go out on the town one last night. Truth be told, its probably going to be the last time in months that I'm going to feel like going, regardless of having boobs or not. However, I decided to embrace this loss not with tears, well not yet anyways, but with memories. My friends and I are going out on the town!!! We are going to my favorite restaurant for dinner. Afterwards heading over to a comedy show and then a night out dancing. I'm going to wear that one shirt, that every woman has hidden in her closet where the question if its too much cleavage and always changes before heading out because we know its too much. Not me this time. I'm wearing that shirt! I want my friends to take pictures of me in THAT shirt! I want to feel sexual because I want to remember it.....every single second of it....I want to remember it because I fear I'm never going to feel sexual again after my surgery.
So to answer my initial question about why a Bye Bye Boobs party...it's really simple. I want one last night of memories with friends. One last night of feeling like the person I am today, a young, 32 year old, alive, vibrant, sexual, confidant woman, because the person I'm going to wake up to after surgery, I don't know her yet.... What I'm going to face, endure and struggle both emotionally and physically with getting myself better, as well as getting my son and having normal for my daughter, scares me. Scares me beyond words. So for one last night, I'm going to embrace who I am right now and try to remember every single minute of it and smile.
Cancer you have my boobs next week, tonight they are busy and it has nothing to do with you!
12 days.... I have 12 days before my breasts are removed.
When I found out that I was going to have my breasts removed due to breast cancer I didn't know what to feel. I was numb with emotion. I'm going to become a breast-less woman was my only thought.
I have probably spent at least some kind of moment, everyday, since I stopped breastfeeding my last child 6 years ago criticizing my boobs in some way. They were no longer full and they sag. They didn't look right under clothes. They didn't look right without clothes. It was then I realized I officially had "Mom Boobs" and that my children had somehow sucked the fullest and perkiness away. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all over again to have those tender moments and memories with my babies. However, being told that they are getting removed, well.... all of a sudden I LOVED my misshaped slightly deflated boobs. I can't believe all these years I didn't LOVE them. It's true you don't know what you have till its gone.
The first thing everyone says is it "doesn't make you less of a woman to not have breast". My reaction to that was "YES it does!" If only people could see how much that comment upset me. I'm 32! I'm a mom, I'm single, I like v-neck shirts and strapless dresses.... I still need my boobs! Although I'm not very vein and I don't spend much time on hair and makeup, and not really sure about what two colors look good together, I do know that having breasts is part of what makes me feel like a woman and not having them is going to make me feel like less of one, or at least that is how I anticipate I'm going to feel.
My family doctor told me that I need to mourn my breasts. I needed to realize that they will no longer be apart of me, that they don't define me and that I need to mentally prepare to let them go. I just nodded and cried in his office as he gave me this advice not even sure how to start to stay goodbye to my girls.
So what does every logical and emotional sound women does when she is alone and upset about something medically? I googled....BIG MISTAKE! Google should be taken away from people like me. I was searching images of mastectomy. Before, during, after. How the procedure was done. How much it hurt. I learned about drainage tubes. I learned about scar tissues. I learned to much, but I couldn't stop myself. Then I was reading comments from other women on other blogs and how they cried and cried every day and could not function because of their news. How they didn't want to face the world. I was only making myself feel worse about losing my breasts. To be honest it only made me hate the idea of losing them more and disliking the physical person I was going to become in 12 days.
Now I was angry. I was angry at Cancer! Cancer controlled so much of our life already. It controlled what we could or couldn't do that week. If we could or couldn't go places. Some of the drugs controlled my son's temperament and his emotions. It controlled what we ate at times. It took my son's hair 3 times. It made my son gain weight. Lose weight. Have strength. Feel weak. Cancer determined if my kids could go to school because it would weakening my son's immune system to the point he couldn't fight off any germs. Cancer just takes and takes and now it is taking my breasts! The part of my body that defines me as a woman, mother, and sexual being.
I was talking with my friends about losing them and after the initials tears and I'm so sorry comments the mood became lighter about it. Jokes were made about taking pictures of them. Wearing low cut shirts and showing them off well you have them. We were just being silly and making light of the situation but it was making me smile and laugh. That's when it hit me. This is how I will mourn. I will have a bye bye boobs party. I'm going to go out on the town one last night. Truth be told, its probably going to be the last time in months that I'm going to feel like going, regardless of having boobs or not. However, I decided to embrace this loss not with tears, well not yet anyways, but with memories. My friends and I are going out on the town!!! We are going to my favorite restaurant for dinner. Afterwards heading over to a comedy show and then a night out dancing. I'm going to wear that one shirt, that every woman has hidden in her closet where the question if its too much cleavage and always changes before heading out because we know its too much. Not me this time. I'm wearing that shirt! I want my friends to take pictures of me in THAT shirt! I want to feel sexual because I want to remember it.....every single second of it....I want to remember it because I fear I'm never going to feel sexual again after my surgery.
So to answer my initial question about why a Bye Bye Boobs party...it's really simple. I want one last night of memories with friends. One last night of feeling like the person I am today, a young, 32 year old, alive, vibrant, sexual, confidant woman, because the person I'm going to wake up to after surgery, I don't know her yet.... What I'm going to face, endure and struggle both emotionally and physically with getting myself better, as well as getting my son and having normal for my daughter, scares me. Scares me beyond words. So for one last night, I'm going to embrace who I am right now and try to remember every single minute of it and smile.
Cancer you have my boobs next week, tonight they are busy and it has nothing to do with you!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Purpose of This Blog
I'm in shock by the fact that so many people read the words written from an emotional young mother that was just diagnosed with cancer trying to figure out why life was so cruel to her and her son. I never re read what I wrote to make sure it made sense. I didn't do spell check or grammar check. I was just letting my tears do the typing and it felt good to just let it all out.
I shared that post for me. I wasn't looking for attention. I wasn't looking for pity. I wasn't looking for anybody to even notice or care, I just needed to get it out and me sharing that was a HUGE step for me. I have always been the one that holds everything together. I'm the one that cries at night when no one is watching. For an example a good friend stopped by with movies and snacks for the kids after she found out about my cancer and I'm comforting her telling her its okay. I'm going to be okay. I help my tears to let her shed hers. I wanted to show her I wasn't scared. That I was going to get through this.
After I was diagnosed with cancer my best friend came over one even and we talked and talked about everything. She asked me why I haven't ugly cried more? All of us women know what a ugly cry is and its not pretty. I ugly cried the first three days, all day, and then just stopped. I just stopped crying. Maybe its me not admitting to myself what I'm really about to face, not accepting. I'm not sure, I just know I stopped. I told her that ugly crying didn't make me feel better. That it only made me feel worse because I now I had to work twice as hard to smile again and just appreciate the little things each day had to offer.
However, late after the kids went to bed and I was alone with my thoughts and playing on the computer I saw this website on how to created a blog and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I just started to write and write and write...it was exhausting, it was painful to relive some feelings that clearly I hadn't processed completely, and surprisingly it was a release. It made me feel like I mattered and that my story matter and that maybe someone else would think that too. That instead of trying to be perfect and have everything in control its perfectly fine to admit that you have moments of weakness and its okay to let it out. Moments of fear...scared to lose my son, scared to lose my own life, fearful for our future, scared my daughter feels left out, fearful about providing for us when I'm sick, and most fearful of admitting I am sick.
Life isn't fair. But life can be amazing! The support of I received is truly something I did NOT expect. Like I said, this blog was going to just be for me and in a day over 4,218 people have read it. I've been contract by long lost friends showing support. People that don't even know me have taken the time to offer kind words or help in some manner. My greatest fear with clicking the publish button and posting this blog was pity....I did not want pity from anyone, I didn't want to seem like I was doing a woe is me blog. My goal was to show that beyond our tears and fears and unknowns, we can love, we can smile and we can just be happy regardless. So as I hit publish and it became alive on the internet I was amazed to feel built up and feel like there is a whole community of amazing, wonderful, kind people that are cheering on my family. I did not received pity from anyone, instead I got the beautiful gift of love and hope.
I can't promise that this blog is something I'm going to keep up, but I wanted to share the reason with all of you as to why I wrote it in the first place and say thank you world for showing me again there is a reason to smile even in our darkest days.
xo Cheryl
I shared that post for me. I wasn't looking for attention. I wasn't looking for pity. I wasn't looking for anybody to even notice or care, I just needed to get it out and me sharing that was a HUGE step for me. I have always been the one that holds everything together. I'm the one that cries at night when no one is watching. For an example a good friend stopped by with movies and snacks for the kids after she found out about my cancer and I'm comforting her telling her its okay. I'm going to be okay. I help my tears to let her shed hers. I wanted to show her I wasn't scared. That I was going to get through this.
After I was diagnosed with cancer my best friend came over one even and we talked and talked about everything. She asked me why I haven't ugly cried more? All of us women know what a ugly cry is and its not pretty. I ugly cried the first three days, all day, and then just stopped. I just stopped crying. Maybe its me not admitting to myself what I'm really about to face, not accepting. I'm not sure, I just know I stopped. I told her that ugly crying didn't make me feel better. That it only made me feel worse because I now I had to work twice as hard to smile again and just appreciate the little things each day had to offer.
However, late after the kids went to bed and I was alone with my thoughts and playing on the computer I saw this website on how to created a blog and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I just started to write and write and write...it was exhausting, it was painful to relive some feelings that clearly I hadn't processed completely, and surprisingly it was a release. It made me feel like I mattered and that my story matter and that maybe someone else would think that too. That instead of trying to be perfect and have everything in control its perfectly fine to admit that you have moments of weakness and its okay to let it out. Moments of fear...scared to lose my son, scared to lose my own life, fearful for our future, scared my daughter feels left out, fearful about providing for us when I'm sick, and most fearful of admitting I am sick.
Life isn't fair. But life can be amazing! The support of I received is truly something I did NOT expect. Like I said, this blog was going to just be for me and in a day over 4,218 people have read it. I've been contract by long lost friends showing support. People that don't even know me have taken the time to offer kind words or help in some manner. My greatest fear with clicking the publish button and posting this blog was pity....I did not want pity from anyone, I didn't want to seem like I was doing a woe is me blog. My goal was to show that beyond our tears and fears and unknowns, we can love, we can smile and we can just be happy regardless. So as I hit publish and it became alive on the internet I was amazed to feel built up and feel like there is a whole community of amazing, wonderful, kind people that are cheering on my family. I did not received pity from anyone, instead I got the beautiful gift of love and hope.
I can't promise that this blog is something I'm going to keep up, but I wanted to share the reason with all of you as to why I wrote it in the first place and say thank you world for showing me again there is a reason to smile even in our darkest days.
xo Cheryl
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My Story of having cancer at the same time as my son.
What are the odd's that my 7 year old son would have leukemia and I, his 32 year old mother would have breast cancer?
I decided to start this blog for me! I need to express my fears, hopes, and this journey for me!
Let me tell you a bit about my back story...February 2012 my divorced was final and I thought that start of a whole new chapter in life for myself and two children, Colin who is now 7 and Emily who is now 6. Almost a reset button if you like. I saved money, worked hard and finally came up with the money for a down payment on a house for the kids and I. It was perfect. A small three bedroom house in a quiet area with a big backyard I looked for months to find the perfect house and this was it. On April 2, 2012 we moved in and it was AMAZING!!! To explain me, I'm the girl that loves with all her heart, that sees the good in people and gives them the benefit of the doubt. I'm the woman that believes one day someone will come into my life and will help make sense of all my personal hurdles. I'm the woman that would do anything for anyone and would let myself struggle and never ask anyone for help because I feel like I would put someone out. I was so happy because I honestly thought that if I took care of the particle things in life everything would fall back into place. I would find my own new happiness again someday..
On April 4, 2012 my father was diagnosed with ALS. A disease with no cure. A disease that only takes from you and your life until it takes your last breath. I was devastated to get that news. I was always a proud daddy's girl, and seeing my superhero dad get sick and weak was so painful to watch. The more he got the sick the more I did for him and became more involved in his care. I would fill out his forms, drive him to his appointments, it was all becoming real and it didn't look good.
On August 29, 2012 my son got a blood test done to see if he was iron deficient and an hour later I received a phone call from the doctor at my work telling me on the phone my son had cancer and to bring him to emergency. By the time I left my office to walk to the parking lot to figure out how to get him to emergency the quickest I was a mess...totally destroyed. No parent should ever hear those words...your son has cancer! Within 24 hours we were at the Cancer Care Center in Winnipeg and had a bone marrow biopsy, lumbar puncture, blood transfusion, chemo and were making plans for the OR to have his port placed. Everything happened so fast.I ended up taking a leave from work so I could be there for my son as he needed to travel to Winnipeg for treatment weekly for months and we learned that we would be doing daily home chemo until October 30, 2015 for remission. No parent should have to drive their child to cancer care. Every time it was the longest two plus hour drive of my life and I hated every moment of it. It made it real. It made me have to accept that my son has cancer.
My happy ever bubble was sure bursting quickly...I was now faced with a very sick child and a very sick father....it was a struggle for many months and I tried to hard to make both situations as normal for both of them.
When Colin got sick I told him he isn't sick, just his blood is and we are going to fix that. He was never once used his cancer as an excuse to not do something in life. He has always been so outgoing with his cancer and his school and friends have shown him tremendous support. His teachers order Super Colin bracelets and everyone at his school call him Super Colin. When he lost his hair three grade 8 boys shaved their heads in honor of Colin. Everyone has been amazing!
On December 14, 2012 my father passed away at the age of 55. It was so hard to watch the strongest man you know become a shell of himself. That truly was the hardest day of my life. I will never forget the pain that I've felt from the minute he died and that still exist today. My children were very close with their Grandpa and I believe that is why Colin's level drop after my dad's passing. The kids ended up not being able to go to school from the end of December until March 6, 2013 because Colin has such low levels. Then my grandmother had a stroke and passed away and I was asked to do the eulogy for her funeral. Again I found inner strength and tried to make her proud.
Finally spring came, and the snow was melting and I was starting to see light at the end of tunnel. We were adjusting to life without my dad and Colin was starting to do better. Then we had a horrible rain storm and our basement flooded on June 26, 2013. The kids had to go stay with Grandma and Grandpa up at the lake because I couldn't have them in the house with sewer back up water..too much of a chance of Colin contracting some illness. After a very long and hard week, I threw out everything in my basement, and had all the carpet and walls removed. It was going to take months for the repairs but at least it was safe for them to come back home.
We slowly were increasing Colin's medicine during the summer and things were bright again. It seemed as tho we were going to get our new normal. I made the choice to to go back to work in October after Colin and Emily were back in school for a month to make sure he didn't trier out too much and could handle it, and like the champ he is, he did amazing.
In October I was headed back to work and the week before I was to return Colin got sick and we got admitted to the hospital. However after a few days of antibiotics he was back on the mend and I wasn't letting this hiccup stand in the way of normal. I so needed to go back to work. Both financially and emotionally.
We went on our Make A Wish trip to the Bahamas with neutrophills of .09 and we hoped for the best because with such low levels it meant Colin didn't have any immune system but the oncologist encourage us to go and tried to calm my fears of the trip and I'm glad we did. It was an amazing time for the whole family and a much needed break from reality and my kids got to be just normal kids for a week and I didn't think about the what if's that we were currently facing with Colin's cancer.
The kids returned to school when we got back from our trip and I received a phone call from the school that Monday morning at 9:30 a.m. that 5th disease was in the school and that it was contagious and I needed to come pick them up. So here we go....life changes again and I need to be home to be there for the kids as they can't be at school until this is under control and no longer a concern in the school. Each week more and more kids are getting 5th disease and the school keeps telling me to keep them away. My children were unable to go to their Christmas concert because of concerns of them being getting sick however the Christmas concert came to us and all of the teachers from the school came and sang carols for my children and I after the school concert. How wonderful that was to see the smiles on the kids face during their surprise.
January 2014 started off as a good month for us and Colin and his levels were doing great! So great in fact that we finally got to increase chemo for the first time in months! I was doing the happy dance on the phone to my girl friend when I got to call her and share the news that we were increasing chemo!! I so wanted to drive to school and high five Colin but I didn't want to be forever known as crazy mom and embarrass him any more than I've already done. lol
I have decided that if Colin's level continued you strong I was going back to work in the beginning of March. It was time for everyone to start our new normal again. I was going back to work!! Oh I was excited about going back! I went shopping and bought some much needed new dress clothes and shoes and couldn't wait to be back!!!
On January 29, 2014 I had a breast ultrasound reminder beep in my phone. I had completely forget that 6 months ago I had convinced myself that I had breast cancer even tho there wasn't a real lump. My doctor entertained me and with my insistence ordered a breast ultrasound. Well at that time nothing showed up of concern however it was agreed that we would do a follow up in 6 months and compare the images to see if anything changed. So I dropped the kids off to school and off I went to get my ultrasound done and I was excited about it because I was going to where I worked and would get a taste again of work life and it was making me excited. I had the ultrasound done and I saw it on the screen, the mass. It was very clear to see. The radiologist came in to discuss it with me and wanted to do a biopsy of it which I agreed to. He assured me it could be many different things and for me to not get worked up. However the nurse rushed my biopsy sample and a waiting game continued. That was a Wednesday and I should hear by the end of next week the results. That Monday I was off to Winnipeg with my mother, son and daughter for Colin's Cancer Care appointment. He needed to be there early on Tuesday and with the winter weather and two and a half hour drive we always go in the night before. We had just arrived to Winnipeg and it was 4:40 and my doctor's office called me and said they just received my pathology results and the doctor would like to see me today. I explained that I couldn't because I was at Cancer Care with my son until Wednesday and if the doctor could call me and let me know the results because I'm freaking out. The nurse calls back 20 minutes later and tells me that the doctor says I need to come to his office as soon as I'm back Wednesday and that it is best to discuss in person. At that moment I knew.....
Wednesday February 5, 2014 was the day my life changed again. It was confirmed. I have breast cancer. Words no woman ever wants to hear. Words no 32 year old woman wants to hear. Words no mother of a cancer child wants to hear. Life is not fair!!
I then had a CT of the abdomen done and a bone scan and the cancer wasn't anywhere else. I also had a mammogram done of both breasts. I ugly cried through all the tests. My co workers were crying with me. They felt my pain. All everyone would say is "it isn't fair". You've had so much to deal with, this isn't right. All I could do was cry and nod and get mad at the world.
I met with my surgeon on February 6, 2014 and he explained that because of my age and the density of my breast you can not see the cancer on the mammogram. How can you not see the cancer was all I was thinking. After some discussion it was agreed that we would remove the whole breast and it was my choice what to do with the other one at this time. However I was going for generic testing and if I had the known breast cancer maker it was going to be removed as well. The concern is we don't know if there is cancer in the other breast. We can't see and only caught it by fluke in the other breast. After much thought I have agreed to have both of them removed and that is happening on February 27, 2014.
I am beyond scared. However, I will face this new journey with the same strength and courage my son has faced his cancer. I will not let myself worry about not being there for my children, I'm going to get better for my children.
Cancer can take my son ability to have a carefree childhood. Cancer can dictate how we live our life that week. Where we can go, who we can see. Cancer can take my son's hair. Cancer can take my hair. Cancer can dictate how we physically feel that day. Cancer can take my breast and mutate my body. But CANCER HAS NEVER TAKEN MY SON'S SPIRIT AND IT WILL NEVER TAKE MINE!
Every day I will continue to look for the good in the day, in people and in our experiences. I will hold my head high, I will smile and I will feel blessed for this is my life. This is my journey. This is my story.
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