I'm in shock by the fact that so many people read the words written from an emotional young mother that was just diagnosed with cancer trying to figure out why life was so cruel to her and her son. I never re read what I wrote to make sure it made sense. I didn't do spell check or grammar check. I was just letting my tears do the typing and it felt good to just let it all out.
I shared that post for me. I wasn't looking for attention. I wasn't looking for pity. I wasn't looking for anybody to even notice or care, I just needed to get it out and me sharing that was a HUGE step for me. I have always been the one that holds everything together. I'm the one that cries at night when no one is watching. For an example a good friend stopped by with movies and snacks for the kids after she found out about my cancer and I'm comforting her telling her its okay. I'm going to be okay. I help my tears to let her shed hers. I wanted to show her I wasn't scared. That I was going to get through this.
After I was diagnosed with cancer my best friend came over one even and we talked and talked about everything. She asked me why I haven't ugly cried more? All of us women know what a ugly cry is and its not pretty. I ugly cried the first three days, all day, and then just stopped. I just stopped crying. Maybe its me not admitting to myself what I'm really about to face, not accepting. I'm not sure, I just know I stopped. I told her that ugly crying didn't make me feel better. That it only made me feel worse because I now I had to work twice as hard to smile again and just appreciate the little things each day had to offer.
However, late after the kids went to bed and I was alone with my thoughts and playing on the computer I saw this website on how to created a blog and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I just started to write and write and write...it was exhausting, it was painful to relive some feelings that clearly I hadn't processed completely, and surprisingly it was a release. It made me feel like I mattered and that my story matter and that maybe someone else would think that too. That instead of trying to be perfect and have everything in control its perfectly fine to admit that you have moments of weakness and its okay to let it out. Moments of fear...scared to lose my son, scared to lose my own life, fearful for our future, scared my daughter feels left out, fearful about providing for us when I'm sick, and most fearful of admitting I am sick.
Life isn't fair. But life can be amazing! The support of I received is truly something I did NOT expect. Like I said, this blog was going to just be for me and in a day over 4,218 people have read it. I've been contract by long lost friends showing support. People that don't even know me have taken the time to offer kind words or help in some manner. My greatest fear with clicking the publish button and posting this blog was pity....I did not want pity from anyone, I didn't want to seem like I was doing a woe is me blog. My goal was to show that beyond our tears and fears and unknowns, we can love, we can smile and we can just be happy regardless. So as I hit publish and it became alive on the internet I was amazed to feel built up and feel like there is a whole community of amazing, wonderful, kind people that are cheering on my family. I did not received pity from anyone, instead I got the beautiful gift of love and hope.
I can't promise that this blog is something I'm going to keep up, but I wanted to share the reason with all of you as to why I wrote it in the first place and say thank you world for showing me again there is a reason to smile even in our darkest days.
xo Cheryl
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